The Heaviest Part of Grief: A Grief Therapist’s Tips for Coping with Guilt, Regret, and the What-Ifs
I’ve sat with many who carry the quiet weight of ‘what ifs’ - these lingering thoughts haunt the heart after loss.” What aches isn’t just the empty space they left behind—it’s also about the unfinished conversations, unspoken words and unresolved moments. It’s all the things you didn’t get to say or do: The phone call you didn’t make. The harsh words you wish you could take back. The moments you didn’t know would be the last. Maybe you're carrying some of these too.
The Pain of ‘What Ifs’ and ‘If-Thens’
One of the most common—and painful—struggles in grief is replaying the what-ifs. I’ve felt it too — it’s so easy to look back and think: If only I had said this...done that..shown up differently. The mental spiral of what-ifs can be relentless — a kind of inner torment that words barely capture. We ache to turn back time.
Alongside of the what-ifs are the if-thens. our mind’s way of imagining alternatives to the past, also known as counterfactual thinking:
If only you had brought them to the hospital sooner, then they might not have died.
If only you had found more treatments or pushed harder for answers, then they might have lived longer.
If you did not leave their bedside, then you might have been able to be there for their last moments
When death is sudden—whether it be through accidents, pregnancy loss, or tragic events —you might feel like you caused their death or played a role in the events leading up to it, which can feel crushing.
If you did not ask them to accompany you to the event, then perhaps, they might still be alive.
How Hindsight Bias Affects Grief
A voice inside whispers that you should have known better. Done more. Been more present. Said more I love yous, more thank yous, and hugged them more. You replay moments over and over, wrestling with the irreversible. The list of how things could have gone differently feels endless.
But the truth is, life doesn’t come with a manual. You don’t always know which moments will become the most important and outcomes are often unpredictable.
You simply lived and loved the best you can, with the knowledge, and capacity you had in each moment.
Still, the what-ifs tug at the heart, even when the mind knows better.
Your mind may say, I did the best I could.
But your heart still aches and whispers, But what if…
This gap — between what you know and what you feel — is where so much of the pain lives.
Why Guilt and Regret Often Arise in Grief
We can be hard on ourselves — judging past decisions with today’s clarity and knowledge of the outcome.
But we didn’t have that clarity back then, even though it feels like we should have known.
This is what’s called hindsight bias—the feeling that we “should have known” what we only know now.
Hindsight bias makes outcomes seem predictable after the fact. The reason those outcomes feel clear now is simply because we’ve already lived through them. Back then, the past was the present—uncertain, unfolding, and unknown.
Hindsight has a way of stirring up guilt and regret within us, making grief heavier.
Guilt vs. Regret: What’s the Difference?
Though guilt and regret often come together, they’re not the same:
Regret says: “I wish I had known… I wish I had done it differently.”
For example: “I wish I had spent more time with them instead of doing other things.”
Guilt says: “I did something wrong… and I deserve to be punished for it.”
For example: “I wanted to hurt them, and I chose to punch them.”
In my experience as a grief therapist, guilt is often the first word people reach for when trying to name that heavy feeling inside. Often, regret feels like guilt. The two can overlap — and they often do. But it’s also common to assume you’re feeling guilt, when what you’re actually carrying is regret.
While both are painful, guilt tends to carry a moral weight — as though a rule was broken or a line crossed, intentionally. With regret, things could have turned out differently, but you didn’t do something wrong, and there was no intent for things to go the way they did.
Recognizing that what you are holding might be regret — not guilt — can sometimes ease the burden, even just a little. Understanding this distinction is often the first step toward moving through both.
Carrying It Differently: Gentle Reflections for When Guilt or Regret Arise
There are many ways we can begin to approach guilt and regret gently. Here are a few to start with:
If You’re Feeling Regret
Know that it likely reflects your love: gently remind yourself that you are feeling regret because you loved
Consider befriending the regret: as difficult as it may be, consider making space to feel it a little at a time, instead of rushing to get rid of the feeling
Be aware of hindsight bias: anchor yourself to the knowledge that you made decisions based on circumstances that were unique to the past situations that you were in
If You’re Feeling Guilt
Acknowledge your humanity and imperfection: as humans, we make mistakes and it is important to recognize our humanity and own our actions
Reflect on the idea of self-forgiveness: get curious about what it may take for you to move towards self-forgiveness
Make living amends: a living amends is an intentional choice to positively change your ongoing behaviour in a consistent way. Consider what you wish you would have done differently if you could turn back time, and live this out as an apology in the present, even if it means treating someone else in your life better.
What to Remember as You Navigate Guilt and Regret
Remind yourself: your feelings are real and valid
These emotions don’t need to be judged — just gently understood.Guilt and regret come in waves
You may revisit the same thoughts again and again. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re grieving and human.
Talk with someone you trust
It is important to have a safe space to process your guilt and regret. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend who can simply sit with your emotions, or connect with a grief therapist who can gently support you through the layers of your experience.
Why Is It So Hard to Move Through Guilt and Regret?
As humans, we are wired to make sense of the world. We instinctively try to connect A to B — to find cause and effect, even when things were far beyond our control.
Sometimes, guilt and regret feel just a little more bearable — though not any less painful — than facing the raw truth: that we lost someone we cannot bring back, that we were powerless to change what happened.
In this way, guilt and regret can become protector parts. They stand guard over the deeper layers of grief — shielding us from the most tender, unbearable pain of the loss itself.
Final Reflections
Take a moment to reflect on how you define guilt and regret. What thoughts or sensations arise with each?
The words we use shape the way we understand our inner experiences and emotions. When we can name what we’re feeling more clearly, we can begin to respond with more compassion and understanding.
While reflections like these can offer some comfort, grief is never one-size-fits-all — and it can be incredibly helpful to explore them in the presence of someone trained to walk with you through the nuance and complexity of your own story.
When to Reach out for Grief Counselling
If you're carrying regret or guilt in your grief, know this: you don’t have to navigate it alone. These feelings can be heavy and overwhelming, but you don’t have to carry them by yourself.
Grief counselling provides a safe, supportive space to explore guilt, regret, and the many complex emotions that arise after loss — without judgment, and alongside a compassionate guide who meets you where you are.
In grief therapy, we move gently. This can look like:
Making space to understand what you’re feeling and learning to distinguish between guilt and regret
Exploring ways to move through these emotions in a way that honours your story and your pace
While understanding guilt and regret can help, what often makes the biggest difference is having someone sit with you — not to fix, but to truly witness what you're carrying.
At Anchored Hearts Counselling in Port Coquitlam, we offer grief therapy for clients across British Columbia — both in person and virtually. Whether you’re ready to unpack these feelings in therapy or simply want to connect with someone who not only understands but who is also skilled in supporting grief, we are here to hold space for you. Together, we can find a softer way to carry your grief. You deserve kindness, understanding, and support on this journey. We are here when you’re ready.
Book a free 20-minute phone consultation with our counsellor:
References:
https://whatsyourgrief.com/known-understanding-hindsight-bias-grief/
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