8 Tips on Coping with Disappointment when You Feel Let Down by People
It is inevitable that others will disappoint you from time to time. This is bound to happen because no one and no relationship is perfect. However, knowing this does not take away the sting of disappointment when it happens. What you do to respond to disappointment when it comes your way impacts the health of your relationship to yourself and others.
In this blog, we share about 8 tips on coping with disappointment when people let you down.
Take a moment to think about your most recent disappointment. Perhaps you needed support during a time of need and the ones you hoped would show up for you did not. You were hoping for understanding and empathy and instead faced judgment, platitudes and/or unsolicited advice. Or you expressed your feelings and needs, to be met with invalidation, toxic positivity and dismissiveness. You might have been hoping for love, acceptance and a sense of belonging, and instead was met with rejection or a lack of reciprocity. You hoped for change to happen within a relationship but things remained unchanged. You might have communicated your feelings of disappointment but the person responded defensively, leading to more disappointment.
Being let down once can hurt. However, when you are repeatedly let down, the impact can be profound. During a crucial time of need or in times of distress (such as experiencing a death of your person, infertility, illness, break up, divorce, grief and loss of any kind or any stressful life events), facing disappointment could have a huge impact. It adds another layer of struggle in those big life moments. In those moments, there is a greater need for support – if others do not show up when you need them most, it can feel amplify feelings of grief, isolation and loneliness. Disappointment also hits more when you feel let down from people whom you hold significant to you.
At times, others have the best of intentions – however, at times the impact of their actions do not match their intentions. When this happens, your brain logically knows that they have good intentions but your heart feels the ache of being let down.
When disappointment accumulates, words and actions by others in the present moment can trigger similar feelings from past disappointments. Facing repeated feelings of disappointment can lead to growing anger and frustration. When a need and expectation has gone unmet for an extended period of time, it can lead to emotional outbursts whether it be in private when you are alone or towards others around you. As such, it is so important to tend to yourself and your relationships when you notice disappointment coming up, instead of letting your feelings go unattended.
What makes disappointment so painful?
You might regret allowing yourself to get close enough to get hurt
You feel abandoned or betrayed
It is hard to trust the person again – you might not feel emotionally safe
It might cause reluctance to reach out to others for more support
It is difficult to be fully authentic with the person and this changes the dynamics of the relationship
It changes the way you view the person and the relationship
You grieve that the relationship was not what you thought it to be
You grieve that the person might not be able to meet your needs
It can be the loneliest feeling in the world if this person mattered a lot to you
It can feel like the death of your dreams, hopes and expectations
It might create distance in the relationship and an eventual loss of the relationship
8 Tips on Coping with Disappointment
Validate Your Feelings of Disappointment
Make room for your feelings of disappointment by acknowledging that your feelings are valid. There are reasons you are feeling disappointed. Try validating your experiencing by following this statement, ‘No wonder I feel disappointed, that (situation/event that occurred), because (reason) and (reason). For example, no wonder I feel disappointed that my friend did not show up for me when my parent died, because I needed their support and because I feel so alone in this grief.
Give yourself permission to grieve any loss that comes with the disappointment – whether it be the loss of a hoped for relationship or a friendship. Let the tears flow if you feel like crying. Validating your disappointment and any grief will help to regulate (bring down) your difficult feelings. Avoiding, pushing it away or distracting yourself from these feelings will have an opposite effect (for example, you might feel more overwhelmed and distressed).
Recognize that two things can be true at the same time. You might find yourself considering their positive intentions while minimizing, invalidating or dismissing your disappointment - know that it is possible to acknowledge that someone might have good intentions and that regardless of their good intentions, the impact (i.e. disappointment) of their actions or inactions on you is real and valid.
Go gentle with yourself and notice if your inner critic is saying anything about how you should or should not feel. Show compassion to yourself that you would have shown to a friend in the same situation. In other words, empathize with your difficult feelings like how you would empathize a friend.
Tend to any Anger that Arises
Consider writing a letter to the person (without giving it to them) about any feelings including anger – this letter is solely for the purpose of expressing your honest thoughts and feelings.
Engage in somatic (body-based) practices and movement to allow anger to move through your body. For instance, push against a wall, go for a run or tense and release the tension for groups of muscles (such as your facial, leg and hand muscles).
Identify other feelings beneath the anger – for instance feelings of grief, sadness, regret, frustration, insecurity, embarrassment, overwhelm, hurt.
Co-regulate – co-regulation means having another person present to support you in regulating your emotions. Consider approaching a supportive friend and/or family member that you trust would be safe to share about your anger.
Identity Unmet Needs/Yearnings Beneath the Disappointment
Befriend your feelings of disappointment by getting curious about what underlies the disappointment rather than pushing it away. Our emotions are like messengers – they provide you with information about what you need and yearn for.
Consider what needs and yearnings underlie your disappointment – some examples are: the need for love, empathy, understanding (to be understood), validation, consistency, acceptance, support, belonging, responsiveness, reassurance, closeness and appreciation.
Consider what could be done to meet these needs - for instance, communicating these needs to the person whom you feel let down by and/or finding alternatives to meet your needs.
Decide on whether or not to Convey your Feelings and Needs
Consider if the person is a safe person who would be willing to hear you out and whether they are capable of meeting your needs - recall how they have responded to your vulnerability in the past. Think about how they might possibly respond based on what you know about their patterns of communication.
Reflect on what you would hope to get out of a conversation - for instance, an apology, an attempt to make amends, a promise to not do this again, acknowledgement of the impact that it has on you, an understanding of the significance of their actions/words.
If you decide to speak up, consider how you might do so mindfully - Take the time to sit with your anger and engage in self-regulation prior to engaging in a conversation.
Consider whether it would be best to talk to the person in-person, video-call or text - Conversing in person and over video call provides an opportunity for both parties to express tone and facial expressions - this could eliminate potential misunderstandings. However, if texting or writing a message/email feels like a safer avenue, consider potential outcomes/consequences of the conversation and how you might handle them.
Adjust your Expectations & Find Alternatives to meet your Needs
If you decide that having a conversation with the person is not an option or if you had a conversation and things remained the same, consider adjusting your expectations. It can be difficult to accept that certain individuals in your lives are the way they are and that they do not have the capacity to meet your needs, desires, yearnings and/or expectations. Moving towards acceptance can be difficult without first accepting your feelings of disappointment and allowing yourself to grieve.
Recognize the limitations of others - there are times where others are unable to meet your needs due to their own limitations and not because they are unwilling – knowing this does not take away the feeling of disappointment but might support you in adjusting your expectations towards them.
Explore alternative to meet your needs by identifying supportive individuals in your life who are capable of meeting your needs. Additionally, identify ways in which you are able to meet your needs whether it be by self-validation, words of affirmation for your inner child and self-compassion.
Identify what is within your control and sphere of influence - how other people behave, act, react, say, think, believe and feel are out of our control. Your actions, words, boundaries you set and who you decide to spend your time with are examples of things within your control and influence. Consider reaching out to supportive others who might be more responsive to your needs. For example, if you are grieving the loss of your person/pet, consider reaching out to a grief support group to meet your need for support.
Tend to your Attachment Wounds, Needs and Fears
Take a moment to check-in with yourself. The present disappointment you are be feeling might be amplified by past experiences. Reflect on the last time you felt a sense of disappointment. Identify if there are any triggers such as words used, a tone of voice, or actions that triggered fears of abandonment?
Take a moment to think about how your caregivers responded to your emotional needs. If you grew up in an environment where there was no consistent, reliable and responsiveness to meeting your needs, present day disappointment can trigger attachment hurts from the past.
Tend to your inner child’s feelings of disappointment by saying, “I am here for you and your feelings matter to me.”
Set Boundaries to Protect your Well-being and Heart
Think about how close and connected you would like to be with the person whom you feel let down by. Boundaries are about what are willing or not willing to tolerate or take from other people. It is about limits that you set with people and tells people how to treat you. Decide on boundaries that you would put in place – time, distance, space, increased privacy or an emotional/thought boundary. Adjust the frequency and length of time spent with them, the methods you use to communicate with them and the topics you choose to discuss with them.
Plan ahead as to what you would do or phrases to say if the same thing happens again. If a trigger associated with disappointment tends to happen during social gatherings with certain people, perhaps go to the washroom to tend to your feelings or leave the event earlier. If it happens during interactions, think of phrases that you can say to end the conversation or plan to engage in less self-disclosure
Be intentional. In order to protect your heart, wellbeing and needs, perhaps you might be intentional about making sure that you would:
Stay away from certain topics with the people who have shown you that they are not capable of showing empathy, understanding and validation
Limit any self-disclosures about your thoughts, feelings and private information with the friend who gives unsolicited advice.
Spend less time or limit contact with the parent that puts you down with name-calling.
Only reach out for support from people that are your chosen family/friends – that is, people who consistently show that they can provide emotional safety and with whom you can be yourself with.
Tend to your Nervous System
When you feel disappointed, your nervous system is impacted and it is important to tend to it and allow any energy from disappointment, hurt, anger and frustration to move through and complete its cycle rather than getting stuck inside your body.
Consider decreasing arousal/activation if you are feeling hyperaroused (fight/flight mode), you might feel tense, overwhelmed, and irritable. Downregulate by tensing and releasing tension in your muscles, and shaking your hands.
Consider increasing arousal if you are feeling hypoaroused (freeze mode), you might feel disconnected and feel like shutting down, distant and avoidant. Upregulate by hugging yourself lovingly.
If you are fawning (in an appease mode), you might find yourself resorting to people-pleasing and to denying your own needs to maintain peace and avoid conflict. Consider standing with shoulders back and visualize yourself maintaining a boundary.
Engage in self-soothing and nourishing activities through resourcing yourself with internal and external resources.
Examples of external resources: smelling a scent (such as an essential oil diffuser, candle), holding an object (a pillow, a plushy, a squishy ball, a rock), biking, dancing, playing with a pet, getting a massage, enjoying a cup of hot or cold drink, swinging on a swing).
Examples of internal resources: humming/singing, hugging yourself, imagining/visualizing the sights, sounds, smells of your favourite place in nature
May some of these suggestions support you as deal with disappointment. Consider reaching out to a therapist - it can be helpful to have a therapist who holds the space for you to process the range of emotions associated with disappointment. Your grief, hurt and disappointment deserves to be witnessed.
At Anchored Hearts Counselling and Grief Therapy, we would be honoured to support you. As a counsellor who has walked alongside many individuals like you, I would be glad to support you in processing feelings of disappointment and working on concrete steps that you can take to thrive in your relationship with yourself and others.
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