Anticipatory Grief and Loss: When You’re Grieving What Hasn’t Happened Yet
Since I was a child, I often asked questions about death. I was naturally a deep thinker — some might say an old soul. I’ve never known a time when I wasn’t aware that death could come at any moment.
That awareness gave me a deep urge to express love and appreciation often — to tell people how much they mean to me before it’s too late. But along with that appreciation came a fear: the fear of the day I’d lose them.
When I experienced the traumatic loss of my family member, it felt like the very thing I had feared has happened. I prepared my whole life for loss. But as much as I prepared for it, it devastated me in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Looking back, I can now see that anticipatory grief had been with me for years. It had been co-existing alongside love.
Maybe you’ve felt something similar — that silent and uneasy knowing in your daily life, that you will one day lose the people you care about. If you have experienced a loss or multiple losses, you might be all the more aware of the anticipatory grief you are feeling for your remaining parent, sibling, family members, or friends. Or maybe you’re carrying grief as you care for a significant person in your life, in their final days. This experience of grieving before a death occurs can feel heavy — it is called anticipatory grief.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is the deep sorrow we feel when facing the impending loss of someone who is significant to us — for example, when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, dementia, or a terminal illness. It’s the ache that begins before the goodbye.
But there’s another form of anticipatory grief that’s less often named and recognised in society. One that doesn’t require a diagnosis or timeline. It’s the grief that arises from the realisation that we will — someday — lose the people we love. It’s the quiet, painful knowing that life is finite, and that our time together is limited. For some, this grief appears long before loss becomes imminent.
Anticipatory loss can bring up more than just grief. For many, it also evokes death anxiety, a fear of all the things we’ll lose when the person dies, and a deep sense of helplessness.
A Grief That Lives Alongside Love
Anticipatory grief can be felt at any point in our lives. It may arise in moments of reflection, while watching your aging parents, during milestones that remind us of time passing — or even while laughing with someone we love deeply and realizing how much we’ll miss them when they’re physically gone.
As Carolyn Ng, an Associate Director and grief educator with the Portland Institute of Loss and Transition notes, some of us are naturally more attuned to life’s impermanence. We notice beginnings and endings more acutely. We’re more mindful of time — and more sensitive to the reality of death.
The awareness of our mortality can bring a profound appreciation for life and for those we hold dear. At the same time, it can also usher in grief — long before any loss takes place.
When Someone You Care About is in their Final Days
It can bring deep grief to witness your person change — to see them looking different, losing physical abilities, or unable to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries the way they once did.
It can be painful to watch them suffer. To see them in pain. To watch them slowly deteriorate.
You might feel caught in a painful tension — torn between wanting their suffering to end, and wishing for just one more day with them. One more shared moment.
You begin grieving the future — all the days ahead they won’t be part of, all the milestones they’ll miss. And at the same time, you're grieving in the present — aching in the middle of what is while anticipating what’s coming.
That kind of grief makes it incredibly hard to stay present in the moment with them. As much as you cherish every single moment with them, you are holding a lot of emotional anguish and pain. It’s hard to engage fully when part of you is already having to say goodbye.
Ways to Cope with Anticipatory Grief
It can feel disorienting, overwhelming and hard to name exactly what we are experiencing. But when we slow down to sit with our grief, we begin to process pieces of it — making room for the complex emotions can help us integrate grief into our lives.
1. Make space for both closeness and space
It is okay to treasure time with your loved one and take space for yourself. You’re allowed to rest. If you’re caregiving, this can feel out of reach while you juggle so much. But even 10 minutes to listen to a comforting song or to feel the wind on your skin during a walk can make a difference. You have permission to pause.
2. Redefine what hope means to you
Anticipatory loss often feels like a roller coaster of hope and heartbreak. You may hope for more time. You may wish that treatment will work. It’s hard to think of hope as anything other than a cure or certainty. But sometimes, hope can look like presence of support around you. Connection with someone who cares. Having a soft place to land when everything feels heavy. If today, hope simply means getting through the next few hours — that counts, too.
3. Let yourself feel
If you’re feeling anger, resentment, or guilt — even for wanting their suffering to end — know this: you’re allowed to feel the full range of emotions. Grief is layered and complex. Naming what you feel can help you move through it. And when you’re ready, sharing it with a trusted friend, therapist, or grief counsellor can ease the weight.
4. Write a letter to your person
A letter can hold so much — gratitude, apology, love, or things that have been left unsaid. You may choose to give it to them or keep it private. Either way, the act of writing can be grounding in helping externalize your inner thoughts and feelings. If you choose to share it, consider various factors such as timing, their openness to having a conversation about the topic of death, their emotional readiness and what you hope the letter brings.
5. Take time to sit with your grief
Small rituals — like lighting a candle, journaling, or simply creating a quiet moment — can help you stay present with your emotions in a grounded way. In overwhelming moments, try placing a hand on your heart and imagining warmth and compassion flowing through your hands from a loving source (like a loving friend, a puppy, or parent/spiritual figure) to your heart.
6. Make the most of the time you have left
If your person is capable and willing, plan moments you might regret missing — big or small. A favourite meal. A walk. A shared story. Ask them to tell you stories about their life. Do the things that matter to you both while you still can.
7. Honour what is true to you
When the relationship is complicated or painful, anticipatory grief can be complex. Know that you have permission to grieve in your own unique way. It is important to name, acknowledge, validate and process any hurt from the relationship in a safe space such as with a grief counsellor. Consider setting boundaries that feel right for you and the dynamics of the relationship.
A Common Myth About Anticipatory Grief
There’s a common myth that grieving before someone dies will somehow soften the grief after the death — that if you’ve been slowly preparing, the loss won’t hit as hard.
Anticipatory grief is real, valid, and deeply painful — but it doesn’t cancel out the pain that comes after. The grief that comes before a death is not any lighter; it’s simply different. It carries its own complexity.
You have full permission to continue grieving after your person dies — even if you’ve been grieving all along.
It’s not unusual to be surprised by how intense grief can feel after the loss. Many people wonder: Why is it hitting me so hard, when I saw it coming? It doesn’t mean you’re grieving “wrong” — it means you’re feeling the weight of what it means to live without someone who mattered a lot and continues to mean a lot to you.
If You're Feeling This, You're Not Alone
If you’re feeling anticipatory grief, know this: feeling these feelings mean you love deeply. It means you’re human. If this resonates with you, you're not alone.
At Anchored Hearts Counselling and Grief Therapy in Port Coquitlam, BC, we hold space for this kind of grief. Whether you’re navigating a current loss or carrying the weight of what hasn’t happened yet, you don’t have to do it alone.
You deserve a space where your grief is witnessed with compassion and care. We're here when you're ready to schedule a 20-minute free consultation to see if grief counselling might be a supportive next step.
Sources:
https://www.portlandinstitute.org/pre-death-grief-and-loss-ii
