7 Ways to Get Through the Holidays When You’re Grieving
For people who are grieving, the holiday season can be the most dreaded time of the year. If you are grieving a loss – whether it be a death of your person and/or pet, a non-death/living loss such as an estranged relationship, a breakup, a divorce, fertility challenges, or childlessness not by choice etc., you might find yourself wishing that you can skip the holiday season and New Year celebrations. In this blog, we share about 7 ways to get through difficult moments during the holiday season.
Holiday lights and trees, decorations in the mall, holiday and marketing emails can be grief triggers. Memories of past holidays are often vividly remembered as though they just happened yesterday. Although grief is present all year round, one cannot help but experience amplified grief as this time of the year evokes vivid memories.
Grief during the holiday season is also heightened with the year ending and a new year approaching – the end of the year brings with it its own grief. If you are grieving the death of your person, you are grieving the reality that you will be entering the first year or another year without your person.
You might find yourself having rare moments of joy and at the same time feeling guilt for having pleasant feelings and for participating in any form of celebration. The conflictual nature of grief can be confusing during a time where there is a societal norm of celebration.
Types of Grief during the Holidays
If you experienced death and/or non-death losses, it can bring up intense loneliness as you find yourself missing people and pets who are no longer physically present.
Grief does not always involve death – we lose people in all sorts of ways. For all who are grieving estranged relationships, you might experience relief after the death of an estranged person, anger, sadness, guilt and regret, unresolved issues and grief for not being able to experience pleasant memories during the holidays.
The holidays can also bring up grief if you are having fertility challenges and are childless not by choice.
7 Ways to Get Through the Holidays
Tend to your Feelings
Take time to pause while going about your day and notice body sensations. Notice feelings that accompany the sensations. Identify the specific emotion you are feeling whether it be sadness, fear, loneliness etc. Notice which part of your body feels most relaxed.
Tend to any tension in your body and any difficult feelings by placing your hand on your heart and taking deep belly breaths, hugging a pillow, tensing the muscles in your face by scrunching your face and then releasing the tension. Physical movement is vital in allowing your feelings to move through. Try jogging on the spot.
Allow yourself to feel the range of emotions in grief. Experiencing moments of joy does not mean that you are no longer grieving. Two contradictory emotions can co-exist. You can miss your person/pet, and enjoy some moments. You can feel grief that you are not able to have the relationships you desire and enjoy being around people whom you feel safe with.
Identify your Triggers
When you are grieving, various things can trigger difficult emotions within grief such as yearning, envy, anger, and deep sadness. The likelihood of feeling triggered during the holidays are high due to the various social interactions. Feeling triggered could arise from things such as: being asked questions that make you feel uncomfortable, eating a dish that reminds you of your person, seeing others having relationships that you desire to have or interacting with pregnant women.
Take the time to reflect on or write your triggers down in a notebook. When you identify your triggers ahead of time, this would enable you to plan ahead on how you might want to ground yourself when they occur. For instance, you could plan to sneak out of an event for fresh air or take a washroom break in order to tend to your feelings.You could also sway back and forth gently as you push your feet gently into the ground. By identifying your triggers, you might be able to catch your feelings as they arise and ground yourself prior to feeling completely overwhelmed.
Set Clear Boundaries
Decide on an end-point for events you attend – you do not have to stay for the whole time. Give yourself permission to leave earlier – for example, tell the host, ‘I will have to leave by 9 pm.’
Decide what you want to share and how much you would share about the grief you are experiencing – you can share that it is a difficult time for you but not share the details of your grief and situation.
Communicate your needs prior to holiday events – depending on the nature of your relationship, express your needs - for instance, a need for space, a need to decline events if need be at the last minute and the need for emotional support.
Choose events that you feel comfortable going to and decline any invitations (including at the last minute) if you do not feel like going. Remind yourself that when you say ‘No’ to others, you are saying ‘Yes’ to yourself.
Decide which traditions to keep and new ones to create
Choose to uphold traditions that are nourishing and that honour your grief and/or your person/pet – give yourself permission to skip old traditions such as not putting up a tree or not decorate at all.
Consider creating new traditions – keeping certain old traditions might bring up intense grief and starting something new could help make the holiday season more bearable.
Engage in the Present through Grounding
Consider pausing whatever you are doing in the moment and engage with your 5 senses to bring yourself back to the present – listen to the sounds of birds chirping on a walk, savour the taste of a food that you enjoy, smell the scent from a burning holiday candle and feel the texture of your clothing.
Press your feet onto the ground, feel the ground beneath you and wiggle your toes – notice how it feels like to be held up by gravity. Notice how the texture of the floor feels like as you plant your feet on the ground.
Bring an anchor object to any event you are attending – this can help anchor you when difficult feelings arise. For instance, wearing a necklace or a hat that holds significance for you. If you are grieving a death loss, bringing an object that helps you feel connected with your person can be anchoring.
Honour Your Person/Pet
If you are grieving the death of your person, consider doing something that makes you feel connected to your person and/or pet. Some ideas include:
displaying photos of them where everyone can see it
preparing their favourite holiday meal
an empty seat at the table and placing their favourite hat/belonging on the chair
a moment of silence before a meal or acknowledging that they are missed
lighting a candle in their honour in your home during holiday gatherings
talking about memories of your person/pet with others who are willing to listen
hanging a memorial ornament on the tree
If you are facing fertility challenges, you might find it meaningful to create a ritual to memorialize a lost pregnancy, a failed cycle, or “hoped for” baby.
lighting an extra candle during a holiday gathering
hanging a memorial ornament (or an ornament for a “hoped for” baby) on the tree
hanging an extra stocking to honour your losses
Honour Your Grief
If you are grieving an estranged relationship with a parent or child, a breakup or a divorce, you are not only grieving the primary loss of the person, you are grieving all the secondary losses that come with the loss of the relationship. - that is, you grieve the relationship you never got to experience. This pain can be intensified during the holidays as you might grieve the kind of gatherings you would never have.
Here are some ways to honour your grief:
taking the time to journal about your feelings
writing a letter to the person whom you are grieving
listening to a song that resonates with your grief
letting out any tears if you need to
If you have or had a difficult relationship with a parent, it is important to tend to your inner child who was not able to receive what was needed.
Take the time connect with your inner child by:
playing with bubbles, chalk or other outdoor fun things
completing a puzzle or craft
watching a movie or book you loved as a child
ice skating
dancing to your favourite song
getting a gift for yourself
To everyone who is grieving this holiday season, our hearts are with you. At Anchored Hearts Counselling, we would be honoured to support you through grief counselling and therapy. As a counsellor who has walked alongside many individuals like you, I would be glad to support you in navigating grief and loss.
May some of these suggestions support you as you navigate the holidays while grieving.
Grief counselling and therapy in Port Coquitlam, Coquitlam and Vancouver can help you with move from surviving to thriving and regaining a sense of wholeness. Let’s do this together. We look forward to connecting with you and to hearing from you!
Sources:
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/gift-guides-how-to-navigate-the-holidays-in-the-midst-of-grief#Resources
https://www.fertilityiq.com/topics/mental-health-and-infertility/infertility-and-the-holidays-the-perfect-storm
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/coping-with-infertility-during-the-holidays-darkness-and-light-2018120515472
https://ambitiouslyalexa.com/inner-child-activities/#20_Healing_Inner_Child_Activities_to_Nurture_Your_Inner_Child
