The Power Of Witnessing Grief
“Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.”
David Kessler
The experience of grief is made up of so many intricate and hard moments: The time when you received the life-altering news. The wailing on the other end of the phone. The tears shed. The sleepless nights and nightmares. The fear and anxiety. The painful agony that feels unescapable. The yearning for who or what you have lost. The what-ifs, if-onlys, should-haves and regrets. The questionings. The world you were familiar with, now completely altered. The stories that replay in your mind about your life that was and your life that now is. The crushed hopes for the future. Your identity in the absence of who or what you used to have.
And yet, the gravity, rawness, and depth of these moments may feel like it is hidden from the rest of your world and social network. Grief can feel so lonely and isolating. It may feel like your grief may be too much for others. You may feel the pressure to appear fine on the outside, when really, you are not doing fine. In the midst of this loneliness, often times there is a need for the grief to be witnessed, whether it be by one or two trusted people. A valid need for someone to say: Your grief is real. Your grief is valid. I hear you. I see you. I am here with you.
As a therapist who specializes in grief and loss, my heart breaks whenever I hear about the pain of not having anyone safe to talk to about the secrets and truth of one’s grief. The depths of one’s grief experience needs to be witnessed, and all the more during these challenging times we are living in. With the recent shooting incident in Atlanta – it is truly important that the Asian community’s collective grief and racial trauma be witnessed. With the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic and restrictions, this is a crucial need considering the layers of grief added on by additional losses – for instance, grievers are unable to have their grief witnessed by the usual number of people who are allowed to attend memorial and celebration of life services, and communities are unable to gather together in person to support grievers.
Whether it be non-death losses or death-related losses, being witnessed makes one feel seen, heard, cared for and loved. Witnessing someone’s pain has the power of making one feel less alone. By not adding on another layer of grief – the grief of not being witnessed, witnessing someone else’s grief creates space for grievers to focus on grieving their loss rather than grieving the loss of support that they most need. Witnessing someone’s grief has the power to build safe and supporting communities where people do not need to hide their grief.
There are many opportunities to witness a person’s grief – whether it be by being intentional in the words you speak or by the actions that you choose to take. A 10-minute validating conversation can go a long way compared to an hour of missing the opportunity to be validating in an interaction. How do we bear witness to a person’s grief? As grievers, how do we slowly approach our own experience of grief as a welcomed friend? How do we bear witness to our own pain in grief?
Consider the following suggestions for Bearing Witness – Validation, Patience and Acknowledgment:
Validation of feelings and experience in grief:
As someone providing grief support, consider:
Practicing validating statements.
Instead of using platitudes or statements such as: “They would not want you to be sad”, “It could be worse”, “At least…”, “I’ve seen worse…”, consider using the following validating statement: “Of course you are feeling this way, I hear that you are missing them and it is totally okay to feel the way you do.”
As someone who is grieving, consider:
Practicing internal validation.
Instead of being hard on yourself, consider the following statements: “It makes total sense that I am feeling regret, it reflects the depth of my love for them. My tears are a reflection of the depth of my love, and I will give myself permission to let the tears flow.”
Compassionate patience and caring love:
As someone who is providing grief support, consider:
The idea that the griever is the expert of their own grief and that the most caring thing you can do is to not try to fix them or take away their pain even though it is utterly painful to watch them in so much emotional pain.
Normalizing that grief does not follow a timeline. For instance, be intentional about not implying that they are ‘still’ grieving. Notice any internal urge to rush the griever and consider nurturing patience and compassion within you by visualizing yourself in their context.
Offering specific support and letting them tell you whether they are okay with accepting the support you are offering. Consider showing care and love by checking-in on the person at regular intervals. It is important to follow up on something you offered to do. Although this could vary depending on personal preferences, it is usually much appreciated that you phone or text to check-in with a person to show care and to ask about how they are doing in regards to their grief even if months and years have passed since they experienced a death or non-death loss.
As someone who is grieving, consider:
Whenever you feel the pressure to feel ‘better’ by now, consider reminding yourself, “There is no deadline in grief. There is no set timeline even if others around me make it sound like there is. I am free to move forward at my own pace. I am adjusting to a new normal and it is okay to take all the time I need.”
Identifying ways of caring for yourself and ways of loving yourself better. Try saying to yourself: “I allow myself space to grief, and space to take a break if needed. My needs matter and I will allow myself to rest if needed – this does not mean I am being lazy. It just means that grieving takes up energy.”
Acknowledgement of pain by nurturing a friendly relationship with grief:
As someone who is providing grief support, consider:
Checking-in with yourself when supporting someone who is grieving. Notice any physical, emotional, or mental discomfort and get curious about what the person’s grief is bringing up within you.
Practicing turning towards painful feelings a little at a time – for instance, notice themes of grief, loss and death in movies you choose to watch or intentionally select movies with themes of grief, loss and death. Notice any feelings of discomfort and get curious about feelings that come up for you.
Reflecting on the idea that grief is not an enemy but a friend. Get curious about what your own grief (by drawing on past or present personal experiences of losses whether death or non-death losses) may be saying to you.
Instead of completely avoiding a griever’s pain, draw closer by being curious about what their grief may be saying to you about what the griever may be needing.
As someone who is grieving, consider befriending your grief by reflecting on the following questions:
If my tears could speak to me, what would they say?
What is anxiety telling me about what I may be needing in this very moment?
What is my gut sense of how my person (whom I am grieving) might respond to me in this moment? (E.g. Would they hug me if they could? What suggestions might they give to me?)
How can I tend to my grief in this moment?
You may find the following resources helpful in regards to building your capacity to Bear Witness to someone else’s grief and to your own grief:
Speaking Grief: https://speakinggrief.org/ (includes a great documentary)
We, the Bereaved: https://wethebereavedfilm.com/
Talk Dying to Me: https://www.talkdyingtome.com/
I invite you to consider noticing ways you are already bearing witness to grief. Consider noticing other ways you can bear witness to someone else’s grief and/or your own grief. Let us collectively engage in community care by bearing witness to the collective grief (including grief related to COVID-19 and racial trauma) during this pandemic, while also considering ways to continually engage in self-care. May we make it a priority to validate grief and pain, show compassionate patience and caring love, and acknowledge grief and pain, both for others and ourselves.
“But when we are frightened and in pain, we need others with whom we can be honest. We need to reach out to someone who is safe, who will not judge, who will not shut down or shun our pain. And, when we are hurting this much, we may need to borrow, muster, or scrape up the courage to reach out to others.”
Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
Please feel free to reach out for a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation if you are looking for grief support, whether it be a non-death or death-related loss. I look forward to connecting with you.
