Grief Has No Map: Why I Don’t Follow the 5 Stages of Grief as a Grief Therapist
“Grief may not come with a map, but you can still find your way.”
A Question That Stayed With Me
“When are you going to get over it?” That was the question someone asked me—just two weeks after a significant and traumatic loss. I was too stunned to answer. I don’t remember how I responded, but I’ll never forget how wrong that question felt.
This moment reflects a common misunderstanding about grief: that there’s a set timeline for “moving on.” That eventually, we should reach acceptance and stop expressing pain or sadness.
The Origins of the 5 stages
These ideas are often rooted in the 5 Stages of Grief, a model popularized by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. It was written based on her interview of 500 terminally ill patients.
The five stages—Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance—were originally intended to describe the emotional experience of people facing their own death. Over time, the model became widely applied to people grieving the loss of others. But it was never meant to be a universal roadmap for grief.
Here’s Why I Don’t Use the 5 Stages of Grief
While it can be validating to know that feelings like anger or sadness are “normal,” treating the 5 stages as a checklist can actually add pressure and increase distress. Many people feel like they’re grieving “wrong” if they skip a stage, return to one, or never reach “acceptance” in the way others expect. If a client finds the 5 stages supportive in making sense of their grieving process, I fully support using it in this way. However, when applied rigidly, it can cause harm—especially if it leaves someone feeling unseen, misunderstood, or judged in their grief.
Key Takeaways: Why I Don’t Follow the 5 Stages of Grief
It can become prescriptive about how a griever “should” grieve
It was originally written to describe the experiences of people facing their own death
Each loss is unique, and grief looks different for everyone
With that in mind, let’s explore how changing our language around grief can make a difference.
Reframing How We Talk About Grief
The language we use shapes how we understand and relate to our grief. Words matter—and when we shift the way we talk about grief, we can also shift how we experience it.
Rather than simplifying grief into five neat stages with “acceptance” as the end goal, we can begin to honor grief in all its complexity. Just as love doesn’t have an endpoint, there is no expiration date—or specific timeline—for grieving someone we’ve lost. Too often, the conversation around grief centers on “moving on” or “accepting the death” as if the goal is to emotionally detach or return to life as it was before.
But grief doesn’t work that way. Instead, grief invites us to carry it with us in ways that feel gentle and true to our experience. And one way we do this is by finding language that helps us name and express our grief.
What if, instead of pressuring ourselves—or others—to “accept” the death or the loss, we explore the idea of Accepting—and eventually befriending—our grief, and the full range of feelings it brings?
What if, instead of judging ourselves—or others—as being “in denial” about the loss, we acknowledge how grief impacts our brain? What people often call denial is actually our brain’s way of trying to adapt to this new world where our person is no longer physically present. It can feel overwhelming to comprehend that we can’t bring our person back to life or see them in physical form anymore.
What if, instead of saying,
“I’m just in denial,” we said: “I am adjusting to my life without my person.”
This kind of language opens up more space for compassion, permission, and humanity in how we grieve.
There’s No Map for Grief
Losing someone significant can feel like being thrown into an entirely new, unfamiliar and disorienting world. You feel lost. You find yourself in grief country, and often, the people around you don’t speak the same language.
Suddenly, you’re expected to adapt to a world without your person. And here’s the hardest part: there is no map. Every loss brings its own unique pain. Even if you’ve grieved before, a new loss may feel completely different—because each relationship is different.
There is no single path, and there’s no “right” way to do grief.
Though grief has no single map, there are paths and tools that can guide us through it. And as you get to know your grief, you begin to discover your own unique map. Although no grief model can fully capture what that journey will look or feel like, they provide a framework for navigating grief while honouring your own unique way of grieving.
Other Grief Frameworks/Therapy Approaches That May Resonate
Rather than limiting ourselves to the 5 Stages of Grief, I invite us to broaden how we think about grief. Here are some additional frameworks and therapies that reflect its many layers and honor grief in all its complexity:
1. The Dual Process Model of Grief
This model normalizes the natural back-and-forth between loss-oriented experiences—like deep sadness, longing, and reflection—and restoration-oriented experiences, such as completing daily tasks, finding distraction, or taking a break from grief.
It reminds us that there will be times when we aren’t fully immersed in grief. Moments of happiness, not thinking about your person as often, or even laughing aren’t signs that you’ve “moved on.” These moments are also part of the grieving process—they just look different. They don’t cancel out your grief; they coexist with it.
2. The Continuing Bonds Model
This model suggests that our connection to the person who died doesn’t have to end. We can carry them forward with us—through memory, legacy, ritual, or ongoing emotional connection. Grief doesn't mean saying goodbye to the bond.
Attachment theory and research have shown that people cope better with their grief when they are able to maintain a form of connection to their person (if the relationship was a healthy one when the person was alive).
3. Lois Tonkin Growing Around Grief
Lois Tonkin’s model suggests that grief doesn’t shrink—rather, our lives grow around it. Instead of expecting grief to fade, this model honours how we build a life alongside it over time.
4. Meaning Reconstruction Therapy Approaches
Grief alters our world of meaning. Before loss, you had a certain identity in relation to your person. Your world might have felt safer and more predictable. After loss, you relate to yourself and the world differently. This model emphasizes the importance of rebuilding a world meaning (i.e. the understanding of yourself and the world) that has been impacted by loss. It honours the need to make sense of our loss experience. This process can include art-making, writing, visualization techniques, and a variety of other creative approaches to help process grief.
5. Narrative Therapy
After a loss, the way our person died may be what our minds constantly return to and what our hearts feel heavy with. Narrative therapy invites us to remember and speak about the whole of our person’s life, alongside processing the circumstances of their death.
It encourages us to tell the stories of who they were when they were alive, and the ways they continue to live on in our memories, values, and relationships. If the relationship was complex, this too is honored. Narrative therapy holds space for the full truth of the relationship, including its pain, beauty, and unfinished parts.
6. Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS)
IFS helps us understand the internal parts of ourselves—including those that protect us from pain or criticize us for not grieving “properly.”
Sometimes, protector parts step in to shield us from overwhelming sadness. For example, an inner critic might say, “You should be over this by now.”
IFS gently invites us to approach these parts with curiosity instead of judgment. By building a compassionate relationship with them, we can gradually reconnect with the more vulnerable parts of ourselves—the ones carrying the weight of grief—in a way that feels safe and supportive.
7. Somatic Therapies (Sensorimotor Psychotherapy & Somatic Experiencing)
Grief lives not only in our minds but also in our bodies, affecting us in profound ways. We may find ourselves stuck in fight, flight, or freeze responses. It’s important to notice how grief shows up through bodily sensations—such as tension, tightness, or heaviness in certain areas.
Somatic therapies help us become aware of these physical experiences of grief without becoming overwhelmed. They guide us to gently allow these sensations to move through our bodies, helping us process our emotions and become more grounded and present while navigating grief.
Final Thoughts
As a grief therapist, I’ve walked with many people through their own unique grief journeys. As a griever myself, I have learned that grief doesn’t follow a checklist. There is no universal map, no single set of stages that will guide every person through the wilderness of loss. And you don’t need to “get over it.”
Grief may not come with a map, but with the right support and the space to be fully human in your loss, you can begin to chart your own path forward. If you’re looking for grief support, we are here to walk alongside you.
Reach out to learn more about how online and in-person grief therapy at Anchored Hearts Counselling and Grief Therapy in Port Coquitlam, BC, might support you in your grief journey.
References:
https://www.grief.org.au/ga/ga/Grief%20Perspectives/debunking-the-stages-of-grief.aspx
https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/growing-around-grief/
https://www.portlandinstitute.org/about-us
