Coping with Guilt in Grief: When Joy Feels Wrong
The Unexpected Guilt of Having a Good Day
Have you ever caught yourself laughing, smiling, or having a good day after loss—only to feel a wave of guilt wash over you?
Maybe you noticed you weren’t spending every moment thinking about your person, or you sought out distractions from the heaviness of grief.
Perhaps it’s been a long time since you have felt okay. When you begin to feel moments of ease amidst the overwhelm of grief, you may find yourself questioning it. How is it that something you’ve longed for, a brief relief from the intensity of grief, feel so wrong? You might even wonder what this says about your grief.
It is important to know that it is a common experience in grief to feel guilty for not being immersed in sadness all the time.
When Lightness Feels Wrong
In my own grief journey, moments of lightness sometimes felt like betrayal. How could I allow myself to feel joy when my person’s life was cut short?
Part of this comes from unspoken “rules” about grief. Movies and cultural portrayals often show grief as tears, anger, or devastation. Rarely do they show laughter or joy. Many of us internalize an image of what grief “should” look like and wonder, “How can I be grieving if I am smiling?”
But the truth is, joy does not erase grief. Smiling doesn’t mean you’ve “moved on.” Lighter moments do not mean you love or miss your person any less. They are simply reminders that you are human.
What I’ve come to understand both personally and through sitting with many grieving hearts as a grief therapist —is that moments of lightness or joy are not signs of forgetting, losing connection, or no longer grieving.
For many grievers, not a day goes by without awareness of their absence. Even if we are not actively thinking of them, there is a knowing that life will never be the same. Grief is often present even in happiness—it lingers like an undertone colouring every experience.
“[Their] absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” — C.S. Lewis
“Your absence has gone through me, like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.” — W.S. Merwin
If the person you’re grieving also caused you pain and hurt, it’s natural to feel a sense of relief and numbness. It does not mean you wished for their death. It is likely because you feel relief that the harm has ended and that is completely understandable.
Holding Contradictory Emotions in Grief
When grief feels unbearable, we long for relief. Yet when the waves soften, it can feel unsettling compared to the intensity of the early days.
We may ask, “Shouldn’t I be feeling more sad than I am right now?”
The truth is, grief, joy, and everything in between can coexist. Feeling contradictory emotions at once may feel strange—or even wrong—but it is a natural part of the human experience.
Grief is rarely either-or or black-or-white. We may miss our person deeply and also laugh at a joke. We may feel gratitude for memories and also anger that time was cut short. This is called dialectical thinking—the ability to hold two truths at once, without one erasing the validity of the other.
We often judge ourselves harshly when emotions don’t fit neatly into a category. In reality, grief is nuanced. It encompasses a wide spectrum of emotions: love, loss, joy, sadness, and hope, often all at once.
As you grow more familiar with your grief, you can learn to hold both joy and sadness simultaneously, allowing lighter moments to exist without diminishing your bond. One way to practice holding these dual truths is to notice your thoughts and emotions as they arise and name them aloud.
Examples of holding two truths in grief:
I can smile or feel lightness and still be grieving deeply inside.
I can feel joy seeing a beautiful sunset and also ache wishing my person were here to see it with me.
I want to keep my person close to my heart and also begin to create new routines or connections in my life.
I may feel guilty even when I have not done anything wrong.
I can be devastated that my person is no longer here and also relieved that they are no longer suffering in pain.
When Your Connection Has Been Tied to Sadness
In the early days of grief, you may have felt closest to your person through your sadness and pain. As the intensity of grief eases, it can feel as though you are losing that connection. This can bring up a sense of guilt.
Consider the idea that your pain is not the only way to stay connected. Connections can take many forms, unique to each person. You might feel connected by:
Living out the values they instilled in you
Carrying on unfinished projects or causes they cared about
Remembering the lessons they taught you about life
The Natural Back-and-Forth Rhythm of Grief
Grief moves in a rhythm—like the tide. Some days bring loss-oriented moments (crying, remembering, yearning). Others bring restoration-oriented moments (working, resting, creating new routines).
This ebb and flow is described by the Dual Process Model of grief, where we constantly oscillate between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented moments. Moments of laughter or lightness are not signs of forgetting—they are part of grieving too. These lighter moments coexist with grief, like waves receding without erasing the ocean.
In fact, this natural oscillation is part of how our bodies and minds survive loss. Your heart is finding ways to survive what feels unbearable. The rhythm of back-and-forth—like waves rising and falling—gives us moments to breathe, to rest, and to gather the strength for the next wave.
Getting to Know Your Inner Critic
We all have different parts within us—and one part that often speaks the loudest in grief is the inner critic. Many grievers hear an inner voice that says, “You shouldn’t feel happy.”
Try curiosity instead: What is your inner critic afraid will happen if you allow yourself lightness? Often, it fears that joy equals dishonoring or forgetting your person. Recognizing this protective intention allows you to not only appreciate it but to reassure this part:
“I have not forgotten. I can carry both love and joy. My love for my person is still here.”
Final Thoughts: Space for The Range of Emotions in Grief
Allowing ourselves to feel lighter moments, laughter, smiles and moments of joy does not diminish the love or memory of the person we have lost.
It simply means that amidst grief, our hearts still have room for life and the beauty of ordinary moments.
Just as ocean waves ebb and flow, our grief and connection to our loved ones persist—they do not vanish in moments of joy.
If you are finding it hard to hold these mixed emotions, know this: you don’t have to navigate it alone. Grief is tender and complicated—and it can feel confusing when joy shows up alongside sorrow.
Giving yourself permission to feel okay—or to have okay days—can be one of the hardest things to do in grief. If you would like a safe place to explore these conflicting feelings, I would be honoured to walk alongside you.
Reach out to learn more about how online and in-person grief therapy at Anchored Hearts Counselling and Grief Therapy in Port Coquitlam, British Columbia, might support you in your grief journey.
References
https://experiencecamps.org/blog/why-joy-can-feel-strange-when-we-grieve
https://counselingunconditionally.com/dialectical-thinking/
https://whatsyourgrief.com/dialectical-thinking-in-grief/
