When Mother’s Day is Hard: Ways to Cope with Mother’s Day Grief
Mother’s Day and the days leading up to it can be hard for so many reasons. For many, this day is one that they dread instead of anticipate. This day can feel isolating when you are grieving a loss, whether it be a non-death or death loss – each loss is unique and sometimes this contributes to feelings of loneliness. It is our hope that this blog post validates your pain and lets you know that you are not alone in this. We see you and feel with you as you grapple with the range of emotions that you may be feeling this Mother’s Day weekend. In this blog, we share about the different types of grief and loss and ways you can cope with grief on the days leading up to Mother’s Day and on this day.
When You’ve Lost a Mother/Mother figure
When you lose a mother/mother figure (such as a sister, auntie, grandmother, godmother), you lose not just your mother/mother figure but all that she meant to you. If you lost your birth mother, you are grieving the one who brought you into this world and one who was likely the first face you saw. The bond that formed between you and your mother figure remains even if your mother/mother figure is no longer physically here. If you never had the chance to know your birth mother, it may hurt on a deep level and it can feel like there is a hole in your heart. For some, mothers and mother figures are their very best friend to whom they go for advice and comfort – there is much grief to not be able to confide in them and hear their voice when they are no longer physically present. The keeper of your memories and stories is no longer here to retell them.
When You Have or Had an Estranged/Complicated Relationship with your Mother
This day is hard because it can trigger raw spots and wounds from your relationship with your mother, regardless whether they are alive or no longer living. You grieve not having the relationship that could have been. You may feel anger at the ways in which they crossed your boundaries and at the ways in which you were parentified. If your mother has died, you might have felt a sense of relief, and then perhaps guilt from feeling some sense of relief. It is common to grieve the relationship that could have been when they were alive. You may grieve that your mother could not be there for you in the way you needed growing up – for example, you may grieve the nurturance, care, love, support, acceptance and validation that you never had a chance to receive from her.
When You Have an Estranged/Complicated Relationship with your Child
You may regret certain things that you have or have not done in your relationship with your child. You grieve not having the relationship that could have been. You may miss them deeply and may wish to reconnect and as such, feel helpless. If they have died, you may feel a sense of guilt for not doing better. It is common to grieve the relationship that could have been when they were alive.
When You’ve Lost an Unborn baby and a Child
Whether it be an ectopic pregnancy, chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, sudden infant death, termination due to medical reasons or a death of your infant or child (whether it be a younger or older child), the pain is deep. It is a mother’s natural instinct to feel protective over their children. When your baby and/or child has died, the sense of helplessness is deep – you were unable to protect your baby, child or children from death. If your child was unborn and you never had the chance to meet your baby, there is a deep yearning to get to know them and a grief for the life you envisioned for them and with them. The person you brought into this world is no longer here – the dreams you had for them died when they died. We often expect parents to die before their children and not the other way around. The pain is indescribable when you have lost multiple children and/or your only child or children. If your child is missing, you grieve not knowing if they are still alive or not.
When You Long to be a Mother and/or are Childless not By Choice
If you have been trying to get pregnant, are struggling with infertility and/or are having difficulty with sustaining a pregnancy to birth, this day can be a painful reminder that you are not a mother. The waiting is so very hard. The two-week wait each month is difficult. Days turn into months and months turn into years. Seeing mothers being celebrated can trigger feelings of envy, resentment and sadness. If you have experienced pregnancy and baby loss(es) and do not have any child earth side, you may be feeling like a mother but yet others around you may not acknowledge you on this day. You might be childless not by choice due to singleness, chronic illness and/or infertility, and you may either not even be able to try to conceive or have decided that it is time to stop trying for a child – in these situations, it hurts to know that you will never be a mother - this day reminds you not only of what you do not have but also of what you will never have.
When You are caring for a Mother/Mother-figure or Child who is Sick/Dying
Anticipatory grief is the grief that is experienced while a person is still alive. If your mother has dementia, you are grieving the loss of who they used to be. You are grieving that they are no longer able to communicate with you and in be in a relationship with you in the way that they used to. If your mother has cancer or a life threatening illness, you are now grappling with the reality that you are no longer able to have her physical presence in your life in the near future – you grieve the loss of the future you envisioned.
When you are a Widow/Widower
As a widow, Mother’s Day is hard because your partner was may have been the one who organized celebrating Mother’s Day for you when they were alive. The day is a painful reminder that you are now mothering alone and that your partner is not here to parent your child or children with you. If you are a widower, this day is a painful reminder that the mother of your children is not here and that your children are grieving the loss of their mother. If you had not had the chance to have a child with your partner when they were alive, you grieve the family you envisioned that you could never have with your partner who died.
Sometimes the weight of grief can feel unbearable – Clarissa Moll writes,
“Grief brings deep darkness, but we can learn how to navigate it in ways that make our pain more bearable.”
Often times, what makes pain more bearable is to be seen, heard and understood. Being able to share the load with someone trustworthy and safe also makes our pain more bearable.
Below are some ideas of how to navigate Mother’s Day grief in ways that hopefully give you a sense of being seen, heard and understood. It is our hope that some of the tips provide support in undoing some of the aloneness that you may be feeling and that some of the suggestions would be supportive in helping the grief be more bearable on the days leading up to Mother’s Day and on Mother’s Day – it is important to plan for self-care and to ground yourself in the present moment before, during and after trying any all of these activities – for example, light a candle, turn on some peaceful music, arrange for a phone call with a trusted person, go for a walk, place your hand on your heart while taking in deep breaths, give yourself a hug, etc.
Plan ahead
It can take be helpful to make advanced plans as it may be difficult to be spontaneous on Mother’s day due to the range of emotions that are bound to come up. Consider telling someone you trust about your plan so that they can check-in with you on Mother’s Day. Schedule an activity for the day such as carrying out your own grief ritual, spending time with a few of your closest people in your life, visiting your person’s grave site if you are grieving a death, cooking your mother’s or child’s favourite food, going for a massage, visiting a place in nature, etc. If you choose to ignore the day and not have this day as a significant day, plan ahead as to what you would like to do instead. It is okay if you choose not to acknowledge this day in any way.
Spend time in nature
Go on a hike, visit a beach or find a place in nature where you feel connected with yourself and/or with the mother/mother-figure/child you are grieving. If you are having a complex relationship or are grieving the death of a mother or child with whom you had a complex relationship, find a place where you can reconnect with yourself and your grief. If you are longing for a baby, are waiting to be a mother or know that you will never be a mother, find a spot in nature that is quiet where you can be with your grief and where you can journal your feelings and thoughts if that is fitting. Tuning into sounds around you such as the sounds of the waves as you sit by the beach, or the sounds of birds chirping can be soothing for your nervous system.
Set boundaries
As triggers will inevitably be all around you, it is important to identify specific triggers in order that you can make self-care plans of how to cope with them when they arise. Once you have identified your triggers, try to minimize the amount of triggers that are within your ability to control – for example, consider taking a social media break on Mother’s Day or mute posts so that you do not have to see posts that you prefer to not see. If there is an option, opt out of Mother’s Day marketing emails. Avoid going to the mall or to certain stores if it is too painful to see Mother’s Day cards and advertisements.
Some triggers are bound to appear no matter how hard you try to avoid them. As such, when you feel triggered, find ways to ground yourself during and after the trigger. A quick and simple way to ground while the trigger is present can look like swaying left to right. Once you have removed yourself from the trigger, try connecting to present sensory awareness – notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
Give yourself permission to feel your feelings and find ways to self-soothe
Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that come up. Make room for conflicting feelings such as gratitude and sadness – it is okay for them to co-exist. If tears come, let them flow. You are human and it is okay to feel whatever you need to. It is important to find ways to self-soothe and ground through various resources when you feel overwhelmed – whether it be by going for a walk, hugging yourself, placing a hand on your heart, calling a friend you trust, running your hands on a blanket to feel its texture or listening to instrumental music.
Write a letter
If you are grieving the loss of a mother or mother-figure that made a positive impact on your life, write about the gratitude you have for the impact that have made on your life. If you are grieving the loss of a child, write the card you would have hoped to receive from your child. Although writing a card may bring up lots of emotion, for some, this can be a meaningful activity as it allows you to have continued connection and offers a tangible way to continue your bond with your person. You can then bring the card with you to their grave site or keep it in a box with other cards addressed to or from them over the years since their death and while they were alive.
Write a letter to the baby, child, mother and/or mother-figure you are grieving – write the letter as if they are able to read your words even if they are not physically present to receive your letter. Share about the grief you are now feeling and write about any updates of things that have been going on in your life. Let them know what you miss most about them. Thank them for the things they did for you when they were alive and/or share about how their life continues to positively shape and impact your daily life. Reflect on the imprints and legacy they left in your heart and life.
If you are childless not by choice and grieving that you will never be a mother, write a letter of affirmation of who you are at the core – write about things you appreciate about yourself and what others appreciate about you. If you are longing to be a mother and are waiting for a baby, and if this exercise seems fitting, write a letter to a baby you wish you would have. If you are a widow/widower, write a letter to your partner who has died and share your thoughts and feelings with them about how you are feeling on this day – update them about what has been going on for you. If you have or had an estranged or complicated relationship with your mother or child who is living or who has died, write a letter to express any difficult feelings you have towards them. Write about what you wish they understood, and anything you wish they knew about you. If you feel led to apologize for anything, this can be the time to write words of apology. Alternatively, write a letter to yourself to encourage yourself and read it in the near future whenever waves of grief and complex feelings arise.
Write a card
Note: If you do not or did not have a good relationship with your mother, it can be frustrating to not feel there is a card that fits the relationship you had – it would make sense to not want to do this activity – as such feel free to skip this activity.
For people who are grieving the loss of a mother and the loss of a child, one of the hardest things about Mother’s Day can be seeing cards in the store and not being able to give a card to your mother or receive a card from your child. Even if your mother and mother-figure is not physically on this earth to receive the card from you and even if your child is not physically present to make you a card, you can still buy a card or make a handmade card that you would hope to receive or give.
Reach out for support
Talk about your feelings and share about the person you are grieving to people you trust. Schedule a time to talk with people you trust during the week leading up to Mother’s Day and on Mother’s day – whether it be a phone call, video call or a one-on-one meet up in person. Share about your honest feelings including complex feelings that arise from any difficult relationships you are having or had with your mother or child. If you are grieving the loss of your person, share your favourite memories about them. You can also share about what you miss most about them. If you would like professional support in navigating this day, consider reaching out to a grief therapist. Connect with a virtual support group, local support group or a Facebook support group.
There are plenty of Instagram hashtags such as #mothersdaygrief #motherless #bereavedparent #grief #childloss #infertilitycommunity etc., and Instagram accounts that you can follow – joining these groups can help you feel less isolated, and connected with a community of people who are bereaved and/or who are grieving on Mother’s Day.
We are not meant to go through grief alone. It can be tremendously helpful to have a therapist accompany you as you integrate and process death and/or non-death losses. At Anchored Hearts Counselling and Grief Therapy, we take a trauma-informed, attachment-informed and somatic (body) based approach in processing grief and traumatic grief. We would be honoured to support you as you process your grief during this difficult time. We invite you to reach out to us to find out more about how we can support you in your grief process.
